I Kan't Spell

 
I take everything personal

 Ya know - for someone that is so nasty and negative and moody as I am. Why do I get surprised when people don’t want to be around you? I’ve ruined my life because I’m so jaded and cynical. Even simple pleasures I find annoying - because I’m a fuckin asshole. 

Link posted by JVMM : 10:16 PM

 
Good Days

 I can’t remember the last good day I had. I’m not talking a celebratory day or some kind of “vacation” day. I’m just talking a day where I don’t have terrible thoughts about what life means or worse what my life means. 

Ya know - sooner or later you’re just going to have to get over it or move to a place where you can expect sympathy as a release. I think you’ll find that without a sympathetic ear you’ll either get more cynical or stop being a fuckin drama king. 

Get over yourself. It’s what you would tell someone else. 

Link posted by JVMM : 9:22 PM

 
I see other people

 Do you remember the movie 6th sense? If so, you remember the line “I see dead people.” 

I’m getting close to unplugging from social media because all I see are people having fun. Being around friends. I see them going to events and places. I don’t talk to anyone I know from 10 years ago. Well not anyone but 98% of them. 

I’m pretty sure that makes me sad because I’m writing about it. But I’m also pretty sure I have to reconcile the idea that I’m not stupid. I don’t see the upside in many things. I don’t see the ritual for more than it is - 

Anyway - I see a shrink this week. Talking to Hannah helps. Talking to Eric helps. Talking to Jedd and jer helps. I’m hoping the shrink will help be a bit more concise and actionable around the fact that I’m struggling - I’m acutely aware of my struggle and I just can’t shake out of it - exercise, no alcohol, money - nothing shakes it. 

Link posted by JVMM : 9:08 PM

 
Miss you

 I’ve become way too comfortable reconciling that I have no one close to me in my life. 

Tonight for example - friends that I know gathered and we talked about death - we talked about dying and funerals in a joking way... it was far too comfortable to assume - and everyone assumed - that not one person would show up at my funeral and no one would care or want to have anything to do with me. 

I didn’t feel that way about anyone else - but they all had no problem making that joke at my expense. That’s ok. I just wish I wasn’t so comfortable with the idea that my life will never be celebrated or missed. 

Ya know what they say though - you have to get what you give - and I must not give anything at all. Because I’m 99% sure I’m going to die alone... and it just may be by subconscious design. 

Link posted by JVMM : 11:41 PM

 
Never gonna change

 ... is the title of one of my favorite Drive by Truckers songs.

Oddly the song is about being tough from the south. 

I’m the opposite. I’m weak from the north. I get pushed around. I have no spine. Nothing changes. It’s just a battle of attrition of who could care less most days. And they play a mean game. But - I can’t get any smaller than I am now. I’m a pathetic excuse for a husband, father, and man. And everyone lets me know it everyday. And that is 100% my fault - I just didn’t realize there were no teams in real life - there’s just... waiting until it’s all over. 

Link posted by JVMM : 11:29 PM

 
To be Someone

 ...must be a wonderful thing. 

In my life I never found that balance of happiness. Mostly because I'm pretty self aware of how pointless mostly everything is... being a Dad is the only time you really put something else WAY before you - and I mean like death... like you would openly and willingly and instinctively die for someone. That's real. And maybe that's what happiness is - that comfort of finality wrapped into birth. 

Nature is much like that - and since we're apart of nature - it's natural (sorry for the puns) that we feel that way when it comes to offspring. I don't know if everyone does - but I would imagine there is a tiny nugget in the pit of just about every father that says "I would die for my kids." - I take comfort in that - to me honestly it would be the best kind of existence - it would make the most sense rather than running around buying things for nothing - saying things that will only evaporate - 

Take for example the greatest minds and leaders in the history of the world - what is truly left of THEIR life is nothing - some quotes - a couple books - an invention or so - but their legacy lives on in blood and lineage and to be honest in all the books i've read they talk more about the things that don't endure than the one that do - but... I guess some of those things do endure like Democracy, the printing press, works of fiction - 

Link posted by JVMM : 8:10 AM

 
How does one get over one's self?
Dearest children,

In your life you're going to have to make some decisions on the balance of being what you think is "right" and also doing the "right thing". Once you take your first psych class - and BTW - I hope you enjoy it as much as I did - you'll realize that most humans at their core are not sympathetic or empathetic to your logic, reasoning, or intent. They only see their own plight and how it effects them. This will lead you to a battle of wills - a battle that almost always has no winner. 

My advice is to try to save your soul while acquiescing as much as possible. Strength often comes from submission and the testament to your own inner strength. Some of the happiest most effective leaders serve others as opposed to themselves. I would search that path. 

Read Siddartha. 


Link posted by JVMM : 9:31 AM

 
How you know...
ive know this for a long time - but heres how you know people dont care about you youre not in any pictures nobody invites you anywhere the only reason youre around is you serve a purpose as a prop or you have money its all your fault though. not everyone is an asshole - chances are youre an asshole and get treated as such but you should know - and i know - - and ill never be able to change because i am a pathetic self loathing, self pity, boorish, loud clown - so i know that no one cares about me - and thats life
Link posted by JVMM : 11:35 AM

 
Ebb and flow
dont wait until its too late in life to tell someone that you hate them im trying to keep up w this writing. i have good ideas during the day and tben the idea slips away. ill get better - the discipline will continue
Link posted by JVMM : 11:15 AM

 
Sometimes you don't want to forget certain things


Life is full of tumble
The way you fall 
Most of the days frayed
Means time, means intent
Makes the difference

Adolescent fumblings
No great edge here
No great plan
Just a tumble
Just a fumble
A life parked in 4th gear
A fool fooling himself 
Because he didn't jump

Link posted by JVMM : 8:32 AM

 
Hey Jude

 A little joy today - break in the clouds. I played mastermind w my son - looked at Ella as the growing young lady she is becoming and sang hey Jude to my daughter. Erin and I almost exchanged a conversation to break our icy last x amount of days. 

I feel good physically - I like being past 10 days of no alcohol and better food - I feel like I can push from here. 

Link posted by JVMM : 9:03 PM

 
Day 4

 I’m consistently amazed by my children’s ability to love me and forgive or forget. Children are truly wonderful people - I feel like I squander so much time w them because of my inability to be mature or patient. They feel the sharp end of all my failures in my personal life and that’s just terrible. And now I’m afraid it’s conscious. 

Link posted by JVMM : 5:06 PM

 
Day 3

 Just trying to jot down thoughts -

Energy level is low this morning. 
Positivity level is very low.

I find that I may just be destroying every relationship I have with people because of depression. I can get through work ok. I can dig deep down there and find a number or a goal or something to focus on. Mostly because I'm in charge and you get some energy from that. 

But over the last 2 years - ever since I was fired. I am very concerned that I have caused irreversible damage to my marriage and my relationship with my kids. Nobody sees me as anything but a grouch - a curmudgeon, a total asshole and dick. I feel like most of the time it's a relief that I'm not there. I feel an oppression on other when I walk into a room - and so I would rather just not walk into the room. And I know it. So - I have no energy to fight it - and when I do try to bring myself out of the tail spin it's so violently radical that everyone just think im crazy and bipolar - which - ya never know - i may be. 

I meet with a shrink this week. I hope it helps. I don't know how much longer I can keep this level of negativity in my life. I dont know how to combat it. I'm very alone - and it's my fault - and I have no idea how to fix it.  

No alcohol in 10 days doesnt seemed to have helped with my thought patterns. Exercise hasn't jarred me loose either. I'm running out of ideas. Something has to change. 

Link posted by JVMM : 8:35 AM

 
Day 2

 I’ve not had a drink in 10 days. And that makes me sound like an alcoholic but as you get older you realize that alcohol can mess you up - especially when you’ve abused it for 20 plus years.

But I’m writing right now because I’m crying - in the middle of the day - alone watching a star is born - and not because it’s sad but because I’m sad. I’ve had every opportunity to feel something great - or share something great - or put myself out front and naked - but I haven’t. I hide. I’m jaded. I’m cynical - and I’m lazy. And I’m a coward towards everything in my life. 

I cant remember the last time I did anything honestly. I can’t remember being anything but miserable - and I’m miserable because I chose to be. Everyone around me just wants me to be happy but all I do is find the worst motives in their intentions - not the best. And I’m sick over it. 

Link posted by JVMM : 3:05 PM

 
From my phone at least

 I wanted to start writing. I failed.

I wanted to be a better father. I failed.

I wanted to be a better husband. I failed miserably.

I wanted to be a better colleague. I failed.

I wanted to take care of my body. I failed.

I wanted to read more. I failed.

Over the last 6 months all I’ve done is fail pathetically. My level of anxiety and depression are reaching new lows. It’s nobodies fault but mine. I just don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to improve or get out of my own way. Getting old isn’t for the weak I’ll tell you that. I’m so very alone and it’s all my fault - I have absolutely 0 charisma or charm anymore - I’m barely interesting and often just a boorish slob of a human. I treat everyone with contempt and disdain and it brings nothing back to me but loneliness and hostility. 

Anyway - I wrote today. That’s a good start. Maybe I’ll write tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be different. Maybe I’ll do something great. 

Link posted by JVMM : 6:45 PM